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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29766216">Sheath Your Sword</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam'>poselikeateam</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Jaskier's Weird Dong AUs [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Knotting, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bathing/Washing, Bottom Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Crack Treated Seriously, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, First Time, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Himbo Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Himbo Jaskier | Dandelion, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Human Genitalia, Non-Human Jaskier | Dandelion, Pining, References to Knotting, Sexual Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:29:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,742</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29766216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/poselikeateam/pseuds/poselikeateam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Geralt struggles for his feelings (which he definitely does <i>not</i> have) for Jaskier. Thanks to one critical misunderstanding, a lot of secrets are revealed, some of which neither of them even knew were secrets to begin with. As is often the case with Jaskier, things get very weird before they get very wonderful.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Jaskier's Weird Dong AUs [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2187711</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>196</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sheath Your Sword</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Oh," Jaskier breathes, so quietly that even Geralt almost doesn't hear it. </p><p>In fact, he's decided that he's going to pretend he doesn't hear it. This isn't the first time Jaskier's seen him without clothes, but it's the first time he's got a full frontal view, and Geralt knows it's not a pretty sight. He's all mismatched, jagged scars and hard muscle and bone. He isn't soft like the ladies Jaskier often takes to bed, isn't pure and smooth. </p><p>Of course, it's not like Jaskier is taking him to bed, anyway. He's just helping him wash up after a nasty fight. They've washed together before, of course, but the bard has always respectfully averted his eyes until Geralt was either in the water or clothed, depending on which part of the bathing process it is. The point is, he's never <i>looked</i>. Geralt, in turn, has tried his best to give Jaskier his privacy as well. He definitely doesn't think about his friend's cock, ever. Occasionally, he thinks of someone who looks suspiciously like Jaskier in the heat of the moment, but that's only because of all the time they spend together. His face is the most familiar, and so the one Geralt's mind conjures up. </p><p>He doesn't have feelings for Jaskier, because he doesn't have feelings. And even if he did, Jaskier wouldn't have feelings for <i>him</i> — at least, not beyond the friendship he insists is between them. There's no reason for him to even think about those feelings... that is, of course, implying he even <i>has</i> them. Which, he doesn't.</p><p>Really.</p><p>He ignores Jaskier's heated gaze on his skin (he's imagining it, projecting his own thoughts and desires onto someone even less likely than him to experience them) and turns to get into the tub. He doesn't usually turn his back to anyone, especially unarmed and unarmoured, but after all their time together and all they've been through, Jaskier is the exception. He wouldn't do anything he shouldn't.</p><p>And then he pinches Geralt's ass.</p><p>Geralt is a witcher. He does not get startled, and he certainly doesn't yelp. He definitely doesn't jump halfway out of his own skin in his surprise because surprise is an emotion and, as previously stated, he <i>does not have those</i>. Except the ones he does. But this isn't one of those.</p><p>Fuck. For fuck's sake. There's just a lot for him to unpack right now, okay? Maybe he does have feelings, fine. And maybe some of those feelings are amorous ones, sure. And perhaps some... or even all... of those amorous feelings are directed towards his bard, alright. Sure. Fine. But Jaskier doesn't know that, and he certainly doesn't feel the same, so <i>why</i> has he just <i>grabbed Geralt's bare ass</i>? </p><p>When Geralt turns on his heel and growls out that very question, Jaskier goes white as a sheet. "Oh, I-I thought..." he stammers, then closes his jaw with a <i>snap</i> and looks away.</p><p>"Thought <i>what,</i> Jaskier?" Geralt demands. </p><p>Jaskier still doesn't look at him. Geralt waits <i>very</i> patiently for a number of seconds, and just as he's about to snap again, Jaskier mumbles, "Well, I... your sheath, you know?"</p><p>"My <i>what</i>." </p><p>Jaskier huffs an irritated sigh. He's gone from stark white to beet red in a frankly impressive amount of time. "I don't know if things are different for witchers," he starts, "but most people don't just have their dicks waving about!"</p><p>Geralt gapes at him. "I'm about to get into the <i>bath,"</i> he says. Honestly, this is absurd. When has he ever bathed fully clothed? (A few times, but only because his wounds were starting to heal around the fabric, and he needed to re-wet the blood so he didn't tear them open again. This is far from that, though.)</p><p>"Yes, but you— you don't just take your dick out of its sheath entirely for a <i>bath!</i> Jaskier cries. “Maybe after you get in the water, but right <i>here?</i> Excuse me for thinking you were just being forward!”</p><p>"Why are you calling my trousers a sheath?" Geralt demands. Really, <i>this</i> is the time for poetic metaphors? “And what the fuck makes you think I bathe in them?”</p><p>Now, Jaskier looks confused. "What? No, Geralt, your <i>sheath.</i> Your dick sheath?"</p><p>"I don't— what?"</p><p>With another frustrated sigh through his nose, Jaskier starts wrestling with the ties to his own trousers. Geralt can only stare, entirely bewildered. It's rare that he's this confused by anything, but that's Jaskier for you. </p><p>And then Jaskier takes his dick out of his trousers and... that's not a dick. That's just... a lot of skin. Like, <i>a lot</i>. His dick isn't even slightly visible; it looks suspiciously like a dog's shea— </p><p>
  <i>Oh.</i>
</p><p>"Geralt? Why are you staring at me like that?" Jaskier asks. He sounds... vulnerable. Geralt doesn't like it, but he also doesn't know exactly how he's supposed to react to his human friend having entirely inhuman genitalia.</p><p>"Jaskier, are you... What are you?"</p><p>"A bard?"</p><p>Geralt rubs his eyes tiredly. Okay. Jaskier has no idea this isn't normal. He has that reaction to a lot of things. Perhaps Geralt shouldn't be surprised at all. </p><p>“Humans don’t have full sheaths for their dicks,” he explains. (He can’t believe he is actually explaining this.) </p><p>“Poppycock,” Jaskier scoffs, gesturing to his own dick.</p><p>“That’s what I’m saying,” Geralt insists. “Canines have them, not humans. You are the only person I have ever met with an actual sheath. Foreskin, sure. Everyone has foreskin. But <i>that</i> is not just foreskin.”</p><p>The bard’s brow furrows, and he gives Geralt a look that he really doesn’t know what to do with. </p><p>“Then… what am I?”</p><p>Geralt shrugs, feeling somewhat helpless. “Your guess is as good as mine. Mostly human, probably, but as for what else… I have no clue.”</p><p>“Well… I suppose it makes sense,” Jaskier says slowly, though his expression is still troubled. Then, he brightens somewhat. Geralt’s sure that it’s at least partially put on, but it seems to be genuine amusement in some capacity. “Well, maybe my great-granddad buggered a werewolf, or something.”</p><p>“Hm,” Geralt says. Werewolves aren’t born, he wants to say; it’s a curse, not hereditary. However, in this one instance, he thinks it’s probably for the best to just let Jaskier rationalise it however he wants. </p><p>“Well,” he says, tucking himself back into his trousers, “that’s… well. Sorry for the, erm, for the misunderstanding. If you’d like, we can just pretend it never happened. Actually, I think that is for the best. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I really thought— no, never mind. Of course it was ridiculous.” He’s rambling in the way he usually does when he’s nervous. Geralt remembers, very suddenly, why they’re having this conversation in the first place.</p><p>“You grabbed my ass,” he says. </p><p>Jaskier visibly cringes. “Yes, and I’m sorry. I know I overstepped, but it won’t happen again, I assure you! I simply misread—”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Jaskier looks at him now, startled. “Why what?”</p><p>“Why did you grab my ass?”</p><p>“Must we really have this conversation?” Jaskier all but pleads. Geralt crosses his arms and levels Jaskier with a very unimpressed look. “Fine. I thought you were coming on to me. That maybe, I don’t know, you were a bit of an exhibitionist, or just exceptionally bold?”</p><p>“And you would have wanted that?” He’s honestly struggling to wrap his head around it. He doesn’t know what to think, but he knows that he needs to hear it. He needs Jaskier to say it. </p><p>Apparently, his disbelief doesn’t come across to Jaskier. “Yes, obviously! I know that’s not on the table. Do you really need to drag this out? Make fun of poor, misguided Jaskier?”</p><p>“I’m not,” Geralt says. He steps forward, now, hyper aware of his own nudity and doing his very best to ignore it all the same. </p><p>Jaskier’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows audibly. Anxiety and arousal permeate his scent in almost equal measure, the arousal just barely winning out. “Then what are you doing?”</p><p>Geralt hums. “Something I wanted to do for a while,” he says. He finally admits it to himself, and to Jaskier in the same breath, because he— he was <i>wrong</i>. He <i>can</i>. </p><p>And he kisses his bard.</p><p>It’s slow and sweet and soft and deep, like he’s drowning in a sea of spun sugar, gently sinking to the very bottom. He can feel something against his thigh, and it’s probably <i>definitely</i> Jaskier’s dick coming out of its sheath, but that’s honestly secondary right now. </p><p>When they pull apart, Jaskier looks dazed, his lips swollen and wet. Geralt wants to <i>devour</i> him. Before he can capture his lips again, though, Jaskier begins talking once again.</p><p>“Is this just a fuck?” he murmurs. Geralt’s heart drops, but then he catches the insecurity in Jaskier’s eyes, the sadness in his voice. </p><p>“Do you want it to be?” he returns, just as quietly.</p><p>Jaskier looks conflicted, like he can’t decide whether he wants to answer. He seems to decide rather quickly, though, perhaps finding something in Geralt’s face, some cue he’d been looking for. “No,” he says, “I really don’t.”</p><p>“Then what do you want?”</p><p>“You.”</p><p>Geralt smiles, just a little. He can hear Jaskier’s heart pick up its pace when he does. Despite his lack of clothing, he feels warm all over. “You already have me.”</p><p>Jaskier looks surprised by that, though he shouldn’t be. Perhaps he realises that too, because then his expression softens into something so loving and soft that it almost makes Geralt squirm. People don’t look at him like that. (He thinks he might be able to get used to it, though, as long as it’s Jaskier.) “Then what do you want?” Jaskier asks in return.</p><p>“You,” Geralt says, echoing his statement.</p><p>“You’ve always had me.”</p><p>They kiss again. It’s the beginning of something beautiful.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Of course, Geralt probably should have considered that the sheath wasn’t the only canine trait Jaskier has. And maybe Jaskier should have considered that it wasn’t the only abnormal thing about his dick. They both find that out rather abruptly, when Geralt tries to pull away for some water after their first fuck.<p>He groans, but Jaskier just laughs and pulls him close, and he can’t help but think that there are worse things in life than having your best friend’s knot stuck in your ass. Hells, maybe he can convince him to go for a round two.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>the second of the <i>Jaskier's Weird Dong AUs</i> is complete. The spiritual successor to <i>dick spikes</i>. Thanks to everyone who encourages me to be the absolute worst little gremlin I can be. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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